So today is a “bad day”. Strangely though I embrace it. My new found freedom had left me curious as to what a down day would be like, I am BiPolar after all. There was little chance that these days would magically disappear, but what would they look like I wondered.
Today I found out, and I’m relieved. I write still sitting in my bed, which I’ve hardly left all day. Still in my pj’s, unshowered and uncaring. The dog has been out for multiple walks when the rain has let up, my belly is full and most importantly my mind is clear. A meditation has helped and allowed my thoughts to flow into words.
What does a down day look like now you may be wondering, Well its quiet and full of nothing too important. Despite having rarely left the comfort of my covers my mind is not racing. There are no overwhelming thoughts of failures and insignificance. The meditation was a check in to see what was going to pop up, where was I feeling off. The truth is I’m just having a bad day, like anyone else on the planet has. I’m not grumpy, worried, sad or upset. Just a little tired and unmotivated.
Maybe I pushed too hard last week? Maybe this is just the reality of my illness? There is an answer out there somewhere. One that I won’t know for sure for a while now I suspect, and I’m okay with that. I’m good with having a bad day that doesn’t involve feeling like I’m ready to crawl out of my skin, or that my mind is doing the Indy 500 or that I’m worthless and will never get better.
I still feel peaceful. I still feel fulfilled. I still feel relaxed and calm, just tired and lazy with nothing really capturing my interest today. This is in stark contrast to how I felt Friday. Being in need of something to do I finally picked up Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection again. I tried to read this one a year ago and honestly it was too heavy, it hurt to confront the feelings within myself and I gave up. Friday I devoured the book in a day.
Saturday I picked up Daring Greatly, also by Brené Brown and began to feel the concepts, not just understand them. I slowed down significantly from Friday, but still felt a desire to dig in and dig deeper. The work no longer felt so cumbersome and unhealthy. The pages brought up memories and questions I had about life, things I was now ready to confront from a place of compassion rather than judgement. Examples she provided made me think of others in my life, and wonder if perhaps this was the reason they are as they are.
My reading expanded my mind, opened my heart and left me wanting to know more. All things a good book does, in my opinion. If it was another good day I likely would have finished the book today, but it’s not so I haven’t turned a page. Again this is something I don’t feel guilty about, it’s just not a reading heavy stuff kinda day.
Not feeling guilt or shame for having a bad day is something I’m learning to process, even as I write this. It’s a new feeling that comes with new emotions and new physical reactions. Despite being off today I’ve laughed quite a lot, at little trivial things. I only bring this up because I can’t seem to stop giggling at the kids playing outside my window and hearing them shout and laugh is contagious. I have no idea what they’re up to out there but it sure sounds like a good time.
My relaxing music still calmly plays in the background, one of my favourite scented candles fills the air and I speculate what to do with the rest of my day. Still time to take the dog for a walk now that its stopped raining again, or perhaps a quiet soak in a warm bath. Maybe I’ll borrow some thrilling paperback from the library and get lost in it for a couple hours. Who knows.
All I know right now is that my meditation brought up more hope and gratitude then negativity and despair. Instead of looking at the clock and thinking I could just go to sleep now, I still feel inspired to make the most of this day even though I’m not motivated to do too much. I think of those I love and send them my gratitude and light, my cup runs over. So yes, bad days do still happen and oddly enough there is relief to be found even in that.
Sending you love and light dear reader. Hope that however this one finds you today you find a way to have hope for a better tomorrow. Know that you too can have a bad day and the world won’t stop, and even if things just slow down for a while you’ll still be okay. ~Meaghan
My Balancing Act 