Permission to Live

Day three of feeling myself and I’m cleaning house. Doing the stuff I’ve put off for months. The junk drawers that never close properly, the box of papers to shred or file, the stacks of random papers on my desk. Washing my sheets all while I’m enjoying a coffee and feeling accomplished.

Cleaning off my coffee table I come across an exercise I did with my therapist long ago. She gave me work sheets to work on my own, and one day I sat down and tried to conquer a fear. “Feeling afraid to live my life“. Feeling ashamed 90%. Feeling inadequate 90%. Feeling lonely and alone 80%. Eleven months ago I felt as if I had no life and nothing to offer friends, family or a potential partner.

A week ago rereading those words would have turned me into a basket case. I would be transported back to all those feelings and crawled back into bed, sans sheets, abandoning all the accomplishment of the day.

Today I read them and have nothing but kindness and affection for that woman. No longer do I sit in fear that this is temporary and that I’ll return to those thoughts in due time. I am still enough. I’m not ashamed, nor do I feel lonely and alone. I do not feel inadequate or unworthy. I feel loved, both internally and externally. I reread cards I’ve kept from when I’ve left past jobs, cards with heart felt notes that I will be missed. Cards wishing me the best, authors not knowing that the grass wasn’t going to be greener for me.

I finally feel permission to live my life, and know that this permission comes from within. So what that I’m 35 and don’t have it all together yet? The end isn’t knocking on my door reminding me that my time is limited. No I feel empowered that it’s been a challenging 35 years but feel like I’ve hit a reset button and this is what will be the beginning of a tremendous new life.

A life that is shaped by me however I want it to be. A life that is open and free and looked on with excitement instead of hopelessness and failure. Sure there are things in my life that aren’t perfect at the moment, but this doesn’t prevent me from living my best life.

From my last post someone pointed out the word relief. This is a word, a feeling, that overwhelmed me so much I couldn’t even comprehend it to write it down. A feeling that I now embrace, the last piece in the puzzle of my life.

I spent yesterday with a good friend and wasn’t on edge, wasn’t overthinking, wasn’t hyper vigilant about my surroundings. When my good intentioned friend pushed a boundary I stood up for myself and pushed back. No apologies, no explanations. That was a line I wouldn’t allowed to be crossed and I didn’t. I felt proud of myself for not having to walk my friend through it gently and in detail. No meant no, period the end. Such relief. I didn’t feel responsible for their response.

This is what permission to live feels like, and something that has been missing my entire life. I’m finally building a life and person on a strong and stable foundation. Not propping up all the stories in whatever way suits everyone else’s opinion.

Dear reader I’d love to stay and chat more but the dog needs a walk, I need to refill my coffee cup and there is still another neglected drawer to look after. Wishing you the best today, and tomorrow, and everyday thereafter. ~ Meaghan

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