Today I’ve had a realization, a revelation really. Today I’ve embraced myself completely for the first time in my life. I can say with a genuine honesty that I love myself. I feel a certainty of who I am that I’ve never even comprehended before.
The past certainty in my life feels disingenuous. Who I thought I was just a hope, a false sense of security that I donned like a cape. A costume that I wore to lie to myself. Today I feel a love for myself that feels like a cozy blanket or a warm hug. A feeling so strong and profound that it makes my body tingle and feel light as a feather.
I no longer judge the person who I thought was so confident and in control. Understanding now that I held on to that lie for so long, clinging to it like a life raft just to make it through. I no longer have the chip of fear ever present on my shoulder. Now I don’t feel like I have “warts and all”. Today there is just me. I am good enough, whole and complete just the way I am. No longer do I have an opinion on me, I just am. The way the sky is blue, or how the sun shines even at night when it cannot be seen.
A newfound respect for myself. No sense of pressure or need for purpose. Just being is enough. Relief washes over me like waves on a beach. Each breath feels meaningful and serves a higher purpose. My psychologist says this is called self compassion.
For so long I’ve lived in fear without realizing it. Days when I’ve felt not myself and looking in the mirror saying “good enough”. Now there is just enough, no good enough, no almost there, no tomorrow you’ll be better. There just is and that feeling comes with a power I’ve never known.
Mistakes have been made, steps not taken, over indulgences had. None of that weighs on me. Freedom I thought I had in the past feels so phony to me now. No longer do I feel like a burden to myself or others. Gone is the overcritical mind shaming me.
This feels genuine in a way I do not have the vocabulary to express. I know I will make mistakes in the future, but present me has already forgiven myself for them. True forgiveness overwhelms me. The tiny voice inside my head that used to say “but” or brought up past failures or comparisons is quiet.
Where there was once self hatred there is now only love. Kindness and compassion without fear or judgement or opinion. A calm sense of being without a nitpicking mind. No pressure or regard for how critical of myself I’ve always been, no hatred or distaste for that woman. Only kindness.
A powerful love and acceptance within in me. Knowledge and feelings that I never thought existed. This doesn’t feel like a hope, or a prayer, or blind optimism. This is just being. Being so comfortable in my own skin that fear isn’t only unwelcome but rather doesn’t exist. Guilt and shame forgiven.
This is a life truly worth living. I don’t know how to tell you how to get there dear reader. I cannot outline your journey, show you the steps or walk the path with you. I can only offer you faith, and hope that one day will discover this peace. Being enough, loving yourself completely, cherishing who you are. These are gifts that only you can give yourself.
Until next time my friend. ~Meaghan
My Balancing Act 