What’s worse than just being bored? Being restless and bored. You’re searching for something that will pull you out of the rut but everything you start is abandoned or interrupted within a few short minutes. Nothing seems to scratch the itch. Energy bubbles through me like a shaken bottle of pop just waiting for the cap to be removed.
Everything I’ve tried just doesn’t work today. I realize that in twenty four hours I’ve hit my capacity for human interaction, so striking up a conversation is out. Plus it would be rude knowing I don’t have the desire to participate.
Writing now seems itself an impossible task, but it’s working so I’ll roll with it for as long as I have an interest to hold the pen. Hoping this slightly physical, but mainly mental, task will help to channel and release some of this energy. Energy that is craving some outlet. Some thing that will focus my thoughts.
All morning I’d wished that I had given myself another hour to sleep. Presented with an opportunity for a midday nap in the sun I took the chance. Setting an alarm just to be sure I wouldn’t oversleep I lasted seven minutes. My mind only gently wandered instead of its usual bounce from thought to thought, but it didn’t matter. Too much energy courses through my veins.
I start a task with great intentions but only last ten to fifteen minutes before I quit. Like a cat settling the area before it sleeps, I spend ten minutes just to get setup. Then once I’m ready to begin, a new thought tales hold. Even now I can feel the desire to write dwindling. The vacuum calls, so does checking to see if there is enough air in the tires of my bike.
Simply stated, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Every physical position I put myself in becomes uncomfortable within five minutes. As if the constant shifting in my seat will somehow magically cure my restlessness.
Not being home I can’t just go start a project to be picked up at another point, not this time. I have to find a way to be productive and functioning outside of my natural habitat. Taking my own advice I tried going for a walk, that too was another misguided attempt to curb the energy.
This not knowing how long this will last is driving me crazy. I can understand that it’s probably a good thing I’m not home. This is the type of day where I would decide to redecorate a room in my house and start shopping. I bought wind chimes for my balcony yesterday, and each time I look at them my brain starts reeling with other ideas of how to reorganize and redecorate my outdoor space. Something that does not need to be done. I’m planning out flower boxes that I will forget to water. New solar lights that need to be hung somewhere , when replacing the batteries in my existing ones would make them like new again. Then thinking of what else I could do to add some colour and life to the space. While still considering that a muted, more natural vibe is what I actually desire. Hoping this train of thought is abandoned before I get home I again change focus.
Pausing my writing for a minute I picked up a deck of cards with the intent to start a game of solitaire. After five minutes of shuffling, I finally lay down my first card. All of the sudden all those hours spent shuffling cards as a kid makes sense. I loved to shuffle cards, never even had to play a game, just shuffle. My own personal version of a fidget spinner before such a thing even existed.
Solitaire lasted thirty minutes. Not much time in the sense of a twenty four hour day, but I feel almost as though I should receive some form of trophy. Then I remember that in those thirty minutes I got up to pee, grabbed a drink, and changed my music three or four times. The trophy fades from my imagination.
Back to writing it is, for how long though is the unanswerable question. As I write I wonder how to wrap this up so I can at least feel as if I’ve accomplished something today. A day of shifting, twisting and juggling all of my best intentions that seem to go nowhere.
This is life with mental illness. Unpredictable and uncontrollable. Trying to find balance and your place in the world.
Do you have days like this? What are some outlets that work for you? I’d love to hear your suggestions, maybe they’ll even help me today.